I was in Seven Springs one winter weekend staying at a friend’s cabin to ski. I was around 10 years old. It was late; around 10 pm and my mema was outside letting the dogs out when she called my name. I stepped outside and the cool breeze nipped my cheeks. “Look at the stars,” she said, pointing up towards the night sky. I followed her finger upward where billions of twinkling stars danced on a black background. I cannot begin to describe the feeling I felt looking up at those blazing balls of fire. It was pure awe and wonder. How long had those stars been there? How far away were they? What galaxy were they a part of? Were they keeping other planets warm like our sun was? I felt a longing to understand; how did all of this happen? Me, my mema, the trees creating dancing shadows in the moonlight. Where did we come from? I wouldn’t call what happened to me that night an existential crisis. I wasn’t scared of all the questions I had. It was more like a deep longing to understand the things around me. I will never forget that moment when I took a moment to look up at the sky. Now, wherever the sky is clear, I always take time to look up and ponder to myself in wonder and amazement at what is our universe and our very existence.
My family has always been religious, but not crazy religious. We went to Sunday School as kids and sat through an hour of church on Sundays. I never paid attention; what kid does? I still knew all the stories in the bible, but I didn’t fully understand them. I understood what was happening, but I had a lot of questions. As I got older, I was told that my faith would come to me, but I don’t think it ever did. I had and still have too many questions to give myself away to something as tedious as religion can be. Thinking too hard about our existence is enough to drive one mad. We’re told we come from evolution; we started as little atoms and the went down the chain: Dryopithecus, Ramapithecus, Australopithecus, Homo Habilis, Homo Erectus, Homo Sapiens Neanderthalensis, and what we are now (Homo Sapiens). At the same time I was being told that I came from some man named Adam and some girl named Eve. As a child, I questioned the accuracy of that based on the science I had started to explore. How were Adam and Eve the first humans if we evolved? After my experience with the stars at Seven Springs, I became more interested in space. I began to research things about our universe and other universes. I watched shows, read books, and my mom even bought me my own telescope. I learned about how our universe formed, which brought up more questions about the stories I had heard growing up. So our universe was basically formed from high density and temperature, an explosion, expansion, and cooling down, right? You may also know it as the Big Bang. Not the show, but the explosion of space itself. I was told a different story growing up: the 7 days of creation. God created light, the sky, the earth, the seas, the plants, the sun and the moon, the animals in the air and sea, the land animals and humans, and then on the seventh day He rested. I began to wonder what other planets and galaxies filled our universe. Why aren’t the creation of those mentioned in the bible? I was finding it hard to believe that with the snap of a finger, God could create all this amazing stuff when there’s science proving that the universe was created in a much more complicated manner.
I was so confused as to why people wanted to believe in God when you could believe in all the cool science which was clearly factual based. I began to put religious people under me; I began to stereotype them as dense like the universe was before the Big Bang. I realize now that that is wrong. Even though I may not be a religious person, religion is a thing that people find comfort in. It is something people turn to because there’s no way we could possibly ever understand the secrets of the universe. It’s something that people use to find comfort in death, something that people use to come together. I found that I’m actually jealous of people who can fully believe in something like God and Heaven. When death comes for me, I don’t have anything to find comfort in besides the people I surround myself with and the memories I make in life. I hope when I die, I can wander space for all eternity and explore all the different galaxies. But I have to face reality.
Searching for the answers to the universe and the general question of why is enough to drive one mad. It’s something not worth the struggle of finding. “Trust what the universe has in store for you,” “Everything happens for a reason” are all things I’ve heard. Each one of us is smaller than anything imaginable compared to the rest of the universe. There is other life out there; other civilizations that are ten times more advanced than we are. We’re all microscopic dots on the map of the universe. Our galaxy will come and go, and new things will come to replace it when we’re gone. That’s how life works; the new replaces the old. I don’t see this as a negative thing, though. That’s how things stay fresh. New beginnings promote change; having something past its expiration date will only cause it to spoil.
My journey finding my purpose and finding the purpose of everything will never stop. Deep down I know I will never truly find the answers, but it gives me motivation to keep trying. That first night I really looked up at the stars, as dramatic as it seems, changed my life. I won’t say whether it was for better or worse; whether or not I’m wasting my time with all of this. All I can say is I’m fascinated and just in awe with everything that is. Whether it be from some God or from high density and an explosion, it has never ceased to amaze me and will continue to motivate me in all life’s journeys. Most people would find themselves stuck if they didn’t know the answers behind their motivation. I use this to drive me forward.
